Dad, I'm thinking of you every single day, I can't believe it has been over a month since you left us yet it still doesn't feel real. I feel really guilty because I'm not in the stage of constant crying although I am very hurt and heartbroken that you aren't with us anymore just my emotions are all mixed as I'm excited for the arrival of Jacob next month but still so sore that you aren't here, I remember how excited you were to meet him and you were already an amazing Grandad to William and he misses you it hurts hearing him say 'Mam I want grandad and ear' knowing that I can't bring him to your house so he can see you and I still wake up everyday wanting to phone you to talk about random things, I miss all the phone calls and I miss all the visits and sleepovers. all I can do is sit and wonder when it is going to kick in but deep down I also know you are back with your little boy and you will find peace together, I really am so sorry that I didn't realize exactly how poorly you were you may have had a better chance if we got you to hospital sooner, I wish you had told me how you were really feeling I can't help but wonder if you knew and if that is why you asked to get Christmas out the way first, I am sorry that we didn't accept this and got you into hospital but I really thought you were going to be okay and that you had a better chance of being okay if you got to hospital the day you did and in a way I'm kind of glad we did as if not then I may have came down and found you on Christmas so at least we did get one last Christmas together although apart, I still don't understand how it happened so fast I mean I was talking to you on the phone on boxing day and you sounded okay like you were picking up but I went after 4 minutes as I thought you needed peace and rest to recover to then getting a phone call that night saying your bloods weren't improving and that they would take you off medication if they still didn't improve but you weren't dying as of then to be told on the phone the next day you were very poorly and I could come in to see you so here's me hoping to speak to you to ring and get no answer then come into hospital to be told you were dying and they would say within a few hours but then to see the way you were and you couldn't talk it just all happened so fast but you still stayed fighting for 2 nights longer.. I just miss you so much and I love you so much I really hope I can make you proud and I hope you forgive me for not noticing how poorly you were so much sooner it all happened far too fast. Love you forever and always dad.